Amy Poehler: Five jockeys at a horse race in Australia were attacked by an angry flock of seagulls.
Tina Fey: And…?
Amy Poehler: And they ran. They ran so far away. Couldn’t get away.
Tina Fey: That’s very sad.
Amy Poehler: Yeah.

- Saturday Night Live 30x16

This one kills me. I know it’s not one of Tina and Amy’s most known Weekend Update jokes, but I love it so much.

Tina Fey: The man who inspired Seinfeld’s Soup Nazi character is looking to open a thousand soup franchises nationwide. Way to strike while the iron is hot, dude.

- Saturday Night Live 30x18

- Saturday Night Live 35x10

I love this so much.

Tina Fey: A truck hauling two thousand cases of beer in Toronto, Canada flipped over Wednesday and unleashed a sea of alcohol onto the country’s busiest highway.
Amy Poehler: Woo-hoo! You guys, party on the highway!
Tina Fey: Well, it’s not- it’s not really a party, just beer spilled all over the road—
Amy Poehler: Spilled beer on the road! Who’s comin’ with me?
Tina Fey: It’s- it’s not that fun! Just, like, the bottles broke, the beer just, you know, was in the dirt—
Amy Poehler: Yeah! I’m gonna drink beer dirt in Canada!
Tina Fey: Alright, sorry.
Amy Poehler: Party highway!
Tina Fey: It’s not a party!
Amy Poehler: If you come, it’s a party!
Tina Fey: Alright, I’ll go. But this is the last time that I suck beer out of dirt with you.

- Saturday Night Live 30x19

Tina Fey: Maxim magazine released its annual “Hot 100” list with Eva Longoria at number one, followed by Jennifer Garner and Lindsay Lohan. While I, once again placed between Bonnie Hunt and Joy Behar.

- Saturday Night Live 30x19

Amy Poehler: An outbreak of chlamydia at the San Francisco Zoo has killed twelve penguins. Officials believe the outbreak was either caused by an infected pigeon, or by Ken, the newly-single giraffe.

- Saturday Night Live 30x19

grilledcheesevstaco:

O “I don’t know if it’s me or the real Sarah Palin that’s up there. They’re piñatas; those heads are full of sketch ideas and we’re going to crack them open. New Year’s Day, you bring the kids—kids love coming to Barneys and they love smashing human heads.” -Tina Fey

Tina Fey: This Monday marks the final episode of the sitcom “Everybody Loves Raymond.” Next season, CBS Monday will be anchored by the show “Everybody Has Mixed Feelings about Charlie Sheen.”

- Saturday Night Live 30x19

defyingthefates:

Jimmy: Seasons greetings! From all of us here at Weekend Update,
Tina: To all of you at home, have a merry Christmas…
*a random guy appears*
Random Guy: A happy holiday and a healthy new year!
Jimmy: Who the f*** are you?!
*pushes random guy away*

— Season 26 (‘00-‘01)

Tina Fey: The two giant pandas at the San Dieg Zoo mated over the past two days. This marks the only successful insemination of a panda this year in the US. It also proves once again that I make the world’s most awesome slow jam mixtapes.
Amy Poehler: You really do.

- Saturday Night Live 30x17

defyingthefates:

Tina Fey: In protest to France’s opposition to a U.S. war on Iraq, the U.S. congress’ cafeteria has changed French Fries and French Toast to Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast. Afterwards, the congressmen were so pleased with themselves, they all started Freedom Kissing each other. In a related story, in France, American Cheese is now referred to as Idiot Cheese.
Jimmy Fallon: Trust me! They’re laughing at us! French fries aren’t even French! They’re Belgian. Some American guy named them wrong, to begin with. Also, Americans - they’re pouring out bottles of French wine down the toilet. Stop it! You already paid for the wine, you dopes! Pee in the wine bottle, and sell it to some French people! Then, you’re doing something!
Tina Fey: Yeah! And, you know, don’t think that by eating Freedom Fries, that you’re being patriotic and helping the war effort. Use less gasoline! Read a newspaper! And you know what? Yeah and how about you cool it with the Freedom Fries, anyway, you fat asses! We’re the fattest, country in the world! Have you ever walked around an American mall? It’s nothing but Chick-Fil-A’s and Lane Bryant track suits busting at the seams!
Together: Do something!!
Don Pardo V/O: This has been Jimmy & Tina Yelling At America.

— Saturday Night Live 28x15