“No, he wasn’t sad. He was full of hope about Colorado. And he was hoping to get an upgrade as an Awards member. And he said he was just real excited to get home and see Holly.”
The Office 7.22 - Goodbye Michael.
If you don’t understand why this is so funny, you are not a true fan of The Office.
IF YOU’RE SAYING THAT HILARY SWANK ISN’T HOT THEN YOU’RE SAYING I’M NOT HOT BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY I’M NOT AS HOT AS HILARY SWANK!
NO, IT’S ‘IS SHE HOT,’ NOT ‘WOULD YOU DO HER.’ RESPECT THE GAME.
Dwight: You don’t wanna move. Moving is one of the most stressful things you can do in life. You’ll probably just take it out on your kid. Jim will turn to the drink. The family will fall apart. And 25 years from now, Cece will become world famous… for stripping.
Pam: That’s a sad story. I have another one. We move. The other tenants follow. The bank takes the building, takes your farm, takes your car and beats the crap out of you. Penniless you die. And my daughter, Cece, dances on your grave… fully clothed.
The Office, 7x10 China
Dwight: Apparently there is a famous Hollywood movie from the 1980s… “Beautiful girl”…
Andy: Pretty woman.
Dwight: Um, apparently…
Andy: Pretty woman.
Dwight: It’s one of the best revenge stories of all time, in which this sex worker, who is the protagonist… That can’t be right. Andy, how does it…
Jim: No, no, no.
Jim: I wanna hear you tell it.
Dwight: Okay, um, the sex worker is denied service at a fancy store because she does not look wealthy. She later returns, dressed in all the trappings of extravagant wealth, but instead of shopping…
Andy: Julia Roberts goes in the store, and she’s like, “I was in here yesterday, and you people wouldn’t help me.” And the shopgirl goes, “oh.” And then Julia Roberts goes, “you girls work on commission, right?” And the girl’s like, “yeah.” And Julia Roberts goes…
Kelly: “Big mistake. Huge.”
Andy: I was telling… I was telling that.
- The Office, 7x02 Counseling
The Office, 7x05 The Sting
Dwight: What about that meeting… later… to discuss finances?
Angela: Yes… [whispering] but don’t expect any cookie.
Dwight: [whispering] But what if i’m hungry?
Angela: [whispering] No cookie.
The Office, 2x19 Michael’s Birthday
Dwight: Women are like wolves. If you want a wolf, you have to trap it. You have to snare it. And then you have to tame it. Keep it happy. Care for it. Feed it. Lovingly, the way an animal deserves to be loved. And my animal deserves a lot of loving.
The Office, 2x16 - Valentine’s Day
MICHAEL: Jim, today is a very difficult day for a lot of people in this office.
JIM: Oh, I’m sorry.
MICHAEL: Yeah. And the sexy looks between you and Pam, the general sexiness, the flowers, it’s creating a bit of a hostile work environment.
JIM: I understand that.
DWIGHT: So sexy it becomes hostile.
JIM: Uh, I actually thought we were keeping it pretty low key.
MICHAEL: Well, if you guys insist on having your own private little love fest-
JIM: We do.
MICHAEL: -that not of us can be a part of-
PAM: You can’t be a part of our relationship, Michael.
MICHAEL: -then we are going to have our own private Valentine’s Day party.
JIM: That sounds fun.
MICHAEL: So suck it. Hey, everybody, I just invited Jim to suck it. And I am cordially inviting all of you to a special convention, a lonely hearts convention, this afternoon. Singles only.
DWIGHT: Yeah, deal with it, Pam!
MICHAEL: So, we may not have someone in our lives that we love, but we do have each other.
- The Office, 5x16 Blood Drive