April: That man wasn’t my brother. He was my husband.
[Andy does a spit-take]
Andy: How was that? That wasn’t good?
April: Yeah. You can do better.
Andy: Give me another one.
April: Okay. I’m pregnant… with Josh Groban’s baby!
[Andy does a better spit-take]
April: That was good.
Andy: You do one.
April: Okay.
Andy: What do you mean, the squirrel… took the… nuts out of the… out of that kid’s backpack? And ate them.
April: You gotta give me a reason to spit.
Andy: Oh, yeah.
April: Don’t ask me a question.
Andy: Not a question.
April: Okay, ready?
Andy: Yeah. I’ve lived in Pawnee my whole life. That is a fact. A fact about me.
[April does a bad spit-take]

- Parks and Recreation, 2x10 Hunting Trip

Leslie: Ron, let’s cut the bull. I want me, Tom and all the other ladies included on your hunting trip.
Ron: Hunting trip? We’re doing a trail survey, Leslie.
Leslie: You’re literally listening to turkey calls.
Ron: Is this - is this not rap?

- Parks and Recreation, 2x10 Hunting Trip

comfypants:

TOM: Ah, you heard about my divorce?
LESLIE: I saw you on the fourth floor. I’m so, so sorry.
TOM: Honestly, it’s fine. Lasted longer than Avril Lavigne and the guy from Sum 41, am I right?
LESLIE: I don’t know what those are.

Parks and Recreation; 2x11, Tom’s Divorce

April: Do you want me to seduce Perd Hapley?
Leslie: How would that help?
April: I don’t know. I just wanna see if I can do it.
Leslie: April, I appreciate that but I don’t think it’s something worth losing your virginity over.

- Parks and Recreation, 2x12 Christmas Scandal

pibbplusredvines:

I let my emotions get the best of me.  I just uh..I cared too much, I guess.
I was thinking with my lady parts.
I was walking and I felt something icky.
I thought there was going to be chocolate.
I don’t even remember!
I’m wearing a new bra and it closes in the front, so it popped open and it threw me off.
All I want to do is have babies.
Are you single?
I’m just like, going through something right now.
I guess when my life feels incomplete, I want to shoot someone.
This would not happen if I had a penis!
What? [puts on lip gloss]
Bitches be crazy.
I’m good at tolerating pain. 
I’m bad at math, and I’m stupid.

Parks and Recreation 2x10 - Hunting Trip

(via crabcakes)

pibbplusredvines:

WHAT KIND OF LUNATIC WOULD WANT TO BE CLEOPATRA OVER ELEANOR ROOSEVELT?!

Parks and Recreation 2x08 - Ron and Tammy

Leslie: I’m to classy to say “I told you so”, Donna, so I wrote it on a post-it.

- Parks and Recreation, 2x08 Ron and Tammy