"Four years ago I was locked in a brutal primary battle with Hillary Clinton. Four years later she won’t stop drunk-texting me from Cartagena."

— President Obama, White House Correspondent’s Dinner (via apsies) (via liveitout)

"Nobody writes better jokes than Tina Fey and her army of zinger-smiths. Watching Jack McBrayer is like eating the most delicious pecan pie with cornpone ice cream. Alec Baldwin has long been my hero, both in steely delivery and body hair."

— Nick Offerman (via fancymegan)

"My daughter, she tells me when she grows up she wants to be a singer or a comic. I said ‘Well, baby, if you wanna be a comic, you gotta be a writer. But don’t worry, you’ve got tons of material: Your mother is a manic depressive, drug addict. Your father’s gay. Your grandmother tap dances and your grandfather eats hearing aids.’ And my daughter laughs and laughs and laughs and I said ‘Baby, the fact that you know that’s funny is gonna save your whole life.’"

— Carrie Fisher (via likeadoll)