"Four years ago I was locked in a brutal primary battle with Hillary Clinton. Four years later she won’t stop drunk-texting me from Cartagena."
— President Obama, White House Correspondent’s Dinner (via apsies
) (via liveitout
"Nobody writes better jokes than Tina Fey and her army of zinger-smiths. Watching Jack McBrayer is like eating the most delicious pecan pie with cornpone ice cream. Alec Baldwin has long been my hero, both in steely delivery and body hair."
"My daughter, she tells me when she grows up she wants to be a singer or a comic. I said ‘Well, baby, if you wanna be a comic, you gotta be a writer. But don’t worry, you’ve got tons of material: Your mother is a manic depressive, drug addict. Your father’s gay. Your grandmother tap dances and your grandfather eats hearing aids.’ And my daughter laughs and laughs and laughs and I said ‘Baby, the fact that you know that’s funny is gonna save your whole life.’"