Amy Poehler: Five jockeys at a horse race in Australia were attacked by an angry flock of seagulls.
Tina Fey: And…?
Amy Poehler: And they ran. They ran so far away. Couldn’t get away.
Tina Fey: That’s very sad.
Amy Poehler: Yeah.

- Saturday Night Live 30x16

This one kills me. I know it’s not one of Tina and Amy’s most known Weekend Update jokes, but I love it so much.

uprightcitizens:

Self-explanatory.

A+

Leslie: Ron, let’s cut the bull. I want me, Tom and all the other ladies included on your hunting trip.
Ron: Hunting trip? We’re doing a trail survey, Leslie.
Leslie: You’re literally listening to turkey calls.
Ron: Is this - is this not rap?

- Parks and Recreation, 2x10 Hunting Trip

comfypants:

TOM: Ah, you heard about my divorce?
LESLIE: I saw you on the fourth floor. I’m so, so sorry.
TOM: Honestly, it’s fine. Lasted longer than Avril Lavigne and the guy from Sum 41, am I right?
LESLIE: I don’t know what those are.

Parks and Recreation; 2x11, Tom’s Divorce

Tina Fey: A truck hauling two thousand cases of beer in Toronto, Canada flipped over Wednesday and unleashed a sea of alcohol onto the country’s busiest highway.
Amy Poehler: Woo-hoo! You guys, party on the highway!
Tina Fey: Well, it’s not- it’s not really a party, just beer spilled all over the road—
Amy Poehler: Spilled beer on the road! Who’s comin’ with me?
Tina Fey: It’s- it’s not that fun! Just, like, the bottles broke, the beer just, you know, was in the dirt—
Amy Poehler: Yeah! I’m gonna drink beer dirt in Canada!
Tina Fey: Alright, sorry.
Amy Poehler: Party highway!
Tina Fey: It’s not a party!
Amy Poehler: If you come, it’s a party!
Tina Fey: Alright, I’ll go. But this is the last time that I suck beer out of dirt with you.

- Saturday Night Live 30x19

(via benjyie)

cyborglovesong:

So in the spirit of diversity and fear, please welcome the NBC Peacock Singers with an all-inclusive holiday medley for everyone.

Amy Poehler: An outbreak of chlamydia at the San Francisco Zoo has killed twelve penguins. Officials believe the outbreak was either caused by an infected pigeon, or by Ken, the newly-single giraffe.

- Saturday Night Live 30x19

grilledcheesevstaco:

O “I don’t know if it’s me or the real Sarah Palin that’s up there. They’re piñatas; those heads are full of sketch ideas and we’re going to crack them open. New Year’s Day, you bring the kids—kids love coming to Barneys and they love smashing human heads.” -Tina Fey

Tyra Banks: But we did our best…
Amber: That’s what she said!
Tyra Banks: You’re not using that right.
Amber: That’s what she said!
Tyra Banks: Better.

- Saturday Night Live 30x20

cyborglovesong:

Tina Fey, Jimmy Fallon, Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.

(via uprightcitizens)

becauseyoulisten:

suicideblonde:

Parker Posey, Jane Lynch, Amy Poehler, Missi Pyle and Rachel Dratch with the director of Spring Breakdown